As you know, I'm currently in an infuriating holding pattern between being told that I need to have heart surgery and talking with the cardiac surgeon about what the next steps are (including when I should anticipate actually having the surgery and what form it will take). This is certainly a time where I'm just wishing that everything can be out of the way and for Dec 1st to just be here now. To some extent it's tough because I'm sort of wishing this wonderful 4 day weekend to be over so that I'm just that little bit closer to finding out what's happening next.
During this past week, I believe that I have had an epiphany about how I'm feeling about the some of the situation. And that is that I just don't like being 'looked after'. It seems kinda petty but most of my career, I've been the problem solving guy, or the answers guy and I've rarely leaned very heavily on others to find solutions. Don't get me wrong, I've worked on some great teams and with some wonderful coworkers but mostly, I've been someone to propose a solution or solve a problem. I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that when others are helping me (dishes, making food, carrying things, getting coffee, etc) I'm not in my element.
I'm now pretty much at the point where walking to and from the refrigerator causes me to be short of breath, carrying something somewhat heavy makes me breathe heavier than normal and breathing exclusively through my nose causes me to not be getting sufficient oxygen. My darling wife and kids are doing their best to stop me from over-stetching myself much to my own shagrin. I recognize that I need to accept their help and admonition but emotionally I'm not ready for that.
Today, I cooked our traditional Thanksgiving lasagnes. It's been something we've been doing for a while. Eat lasagne, stay in our jammies and have no great expectations for the day. This was the perfect setup for someone in our situation and we worked it to the end. This weekend comes time to put up the Christmas tree, without my help bringing the boxes down from the attic. I should probably feel more sad about that than I do (the part where I can't help) but perhaps this is a me focusing on the positives of being helped out!! ;)
I was helped out by my sweet 7yr old who did a remarkable amount of the tasks including peeling zucchinis and gathering all of the ingredients.
Today I'm thankful for my family and friends and for a short time between now and getting a new heart valve.
I so understand. I went in for surgery 12/6. Hubby and friends had done Thanksgiving up here, for me. When I came home from the hospital -12/13 I think - hubby had a tree up and decorated. Our Christmas Village was up too. And that was the extent of our decorations that year. It was hard for me as I do BIG Christmas stuff; but it was also the best Christmas ever because hubby had done it all, for me. It's okay for others to pick up our slack. Be sure to say thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou are managing to put a brave face on something very serious. Well done, Steve!
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